Canada Overrun By Vicious Baby Seals After Canceling Seal Hunt

24 05 2012

OTTAWA, ON—Reports coming out of Quebec City today indicate  that an enraged horde of baby harp seals, which began terrorizing the  maritime provinces last week, is moving west at considerable speed.

An  anonymous source at the Department of National Defence stated that plans are being  made to evacuate top level government officials from Ottawa, as it is  expected the capital will be engulfed in a “terrifying and utterly adorable blubbery hell” as early as the middle of next  week.

Since the  suspension of Canada’s annual seal hunt last year in the face of  mounting activist pressure, scientists have been growing increasingly  alarmed by the species’ rapid expansion. “As it turns out, clubbing the  little bastards in the face was the only way to keep their numbers in  check,” said environmental activist David Suzuki in a statement released  to the media.

“Who knew?”

The crisis began last month when the seal population reached  critical mass. With food stocks dwindling, packs of seals began  attacking ice fishermen and quickly developed a taste for human blood. Graphic  videos emerged showing entire teams of helpless hockey players being  brutally flippered to death in the middle of shinny games.

Yesterday, Prime  Minister Stephen Harper announced that parliament had approved the  invocation of the Emergencies Act, and urged Canadians to remain in  their homes. “We are doing everything possible to curb this threat,”  said Harper, “but to this point, nothing has proved effective.” Harper  refused to comment on speculation that the government is petitioning the  United States for a tactical nuclear strike.

When contacted, a PETA  spokesperson declined to comment, as he was too busy hammering nails  into a baseball bat.

Thanks to sender-inner Kabloonak of An English Girl in Iqaluit. GO READ HER BLOG RIGHT NOW!

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24 05 2012
Canada Overrun By Vicious Baby Seals After Canceling Seal Hunt | Kalaallit Nunaat - Greenland | Scoop.it

[…] background-position: 50% 0px ; background-color:#222222; background-repeat : no-repeat; } nunawhaa.wordpress.com – Today, 8:30 […]

25 05 2012
Kabloonak

Mmmm I love fishy veal

25 05 2012
qiviq

you and me both!

1 06 2012
My Homepage

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5 07 2012
Canada Overrun By Vicious Baby Seals After Canceling Seal Hunt | Nunavut | Scoop.it

[…] OTTAWA, ON—Reports coming out of Quebec City today indicate  that an enraged horde of baby harp seals, which began terrorizing the  maritime provinces last week, is moving west at considerable …  […]

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